Love's Imprisonment
by desraewilson
Summary: Having betrayed Angelus and Angel, Buffy must make the final decision on who she will make amends with. Who will win her heart in a tale where the decision she makes will hurt the only two men she's ever truly loved? A MUST READ!
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Notes:** The story may seem a little confusing at first, but all will be revealed. I want to you to wonder what's going on at times and how. It will come. The story begins in Sunnydale, California during Season 2. The disk or spell was never found by Willow to curse Angelus with a soul and he never tried to suck the world into Hell.

**I REDID THE CHAPTER WITH TIMELINES SO IT WOULD BE LESS CONFUSING!**

I'm going to give credit where credit is due. First I want to thank** Linara Phillips** and **frosty600** for helping beta my fiction.

I want to thank **RealMe2** for suggesting the writing prompt: "She wants nothing but a second chance, and she knows he won't give it to her." I had to change it up to fit the story, but the general idea is still there.

I want to also thank **Azbiel Perez (Fanficboy Onceagain)** for suggesting the following writing prompts:

"She wish he just leave and for good but then again she wished he would take her with him."

Setting: Late season 2 - The setting is late season 2, but it's an AU fic so it's altered by Buffy's decisions.

Pairing: B/AUS - I had to throw Angel in there as well for complication.

Length: One shot you go for it! - I'm going to turn this into more than a one shot.

- He has a opportunity not to kill Buffy and does not take it.

- Confusion on love/hate from his point of view.

- I would like a moment where he takes her hand.

And now, we to the story. I hope you enjoy the beginning and will be as intrigued as I am while writing it.

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><p><span><strong>Chapter One<strong>

**Dublin Ireland – April 2000.**

The crisp white sheets fell at the dip of her back, just above her bottom. Her tanned skin stood out amongst the fabric tangled around her and the sleeping vampire beside her. Long golden locks remained disheveled, hiding the naked skin of her back as she remained mostly asleep on her stomach, unaware of anything but the presence of her lover. Pushing her face into her arm, she fought becoming fully conscious, but yet could not fall back to sleep. Stuck in the place between being waking and dreaming, Buffy made no protests when Angelus threw his arm around her possessively before pulling her body flush against his. The change of position fully woke her and so she laid there debating whether to seduce him or sneak out. Stretching like a cat, Buffy laughed quietly when she felt his arms tighten around her. Sneaking out would not be an option. He would make sure of that.

"Definitely not fair, you know, the whole not being able to tell if you're asleep or not thing."

In that moment Angelus chose to push his face into her throat, nuzzling the mark, before going still once more.

"Don't find you to be funny." Buffy poked him as she waited for her body to go numb from the weight of the stubborn vampire.

Pulling his head back from her neck by grabbing a fistful of his hair, she squealed in surprise at the vampire features that greeted her. And yet he didn't move.

"Ha. Ha. Ha. You're a real funny vampire. Bravo." Glaring at him, she impatiently waited for him to open his eyes.

Releasing his hair, she groaned when his head dropped against her neck with a thud. Worry started to creep inside of her then. Was he dead? Of course he was dead. If he was dead, dead, he'd be dust right? The argument went on for a few moments until she had to shake herself – why was it such an argument to begin with? Her thoughts then shifted to Angel. Faith had shot Angel and he started 'dying' without turning to dust.

Swallowing, she felt the pain in her neck from the bite that Angelus had left in the midst of their lovemaking session. There was enough Slayer blood in his system to heal any possible poison in his system. He was messing with her. He had to be.

Angelus chose that moment to smile against the mark, a genuine smile. She could feel it spread fully just as he nudged her thighs apart to slip in between them.

"I hate you." Buffy declared through gritted teeth.

The chuckle was full of mirth, not an ounce of taunting in it.

"'Aw', Buffy. My heart aches." Rising up on his arms, he balanced his weight easily as he stared down at her in his human visage. He had accepted his feelings for the Slayer years prior and it had taken them both a short time after to embrace it. "Really it does."

"Very funny. You're just full of funny aren't you?" Her green eyes found his much darker ones, staring him down until it was painful not to blink.

"I'm a funny guy."

Angelus knew his mistake the moment her eyes glittered over with unshed tears, guilt present in them. Instead of owning up to his own mistake, he blamed her. His eyes looked down accusingly into hers before he rolled off her without another word. Sitting up, he swung his legs off the side of the bed and stared at the wall before him. She loved him. He loved her. Why couldn't she let the past remain in the past? Jealousy rose inside of him as he sat there with his back to her.

Buffy pulled the sheet around her body as she moved to sit up against the headboard. Wiping at the tears with her free hand, she said nothing. What could she say? She felt like she had betrayed Angel's memory with Angelus, but she felt like she betrayed her relationship with Angelus with the memory of Angel. It was a lose/lose situation. Damning her pride, Buffy moved across the bed on her knees until she sat on them directly behind Angelus.

"I'm sorry."

There was no need to explain. Explaining to him that he reminded her of a very painful, but once happy, memory would only make things worse. He had the memory. Angelus knew of the time Angel explained loving her just as well as she and Angel did. It would definitely only worsen things between them.

Placing her hand on his shoulder, she felt him tense and more guilt built up inside of her. Damn it. Her other hand came to lie on his other shoulder so that both hands rested on his skin. A kiss to the back of his neck followed, before her hands slid down the front of his chest. Her chin came to rest upon his shoulder as she settled behind him.

"I love you, Angelus. You." Buffy paused as she considered her words. "But, I love Angel too." When Angelus moved to get up, she tightened her hold on him and rested her body against his. "Stay. Let me explain."

The threatening growl sent a rush of excitement through her body, but she ignored it, for the time.

"Make it fast."

From the way he hissed out his quick response, she could tell that he had morphed into his vampire visage and that worried her. Would he forgive her? She knew he was capable of it, but would he?

"I love you both. I always have. Just then, I was in love with him, and so it made me love you. But now, now …."

Buffy moved off of the bed, nearly stumbling, but found her footing with the help of Angelus. That was something. Maybe she had a shot.

Sheet cradled against her body as she stood before him, Buffy waited for him to look at her. When he did, she stepped forward and looked down into the golden eyes of her vampire lover.

"Now, I'm in love with you, but I'll always love him. I just, I choose you."

The human visage took the place of the vampire one and she was relieved.

"You choose me." The words were rolled around in his mouth as he tested the taste of them, toyed with the weight of them.

"I do. I choose you, Angelus. I choose you." Her chin was tipped up, the need to hold his gaze more prominent than anything else as he stood up to look down at her.

Finger slipping beneath her chin, Angelus said nothing. He searched for the truth in his mate's eyes, for the affirmation of her oath. "What happens when the memory of me, the presence of me, overtakes the memory of him? Can you forget or let it go? Will you let it all go?"

This was it. This was the time moment she had feared from the beginning. Could she truly give herself to Angelus in the way she had given herself to Angel?

"I want all of you, Buffy. I will have you, all of you. Or none of you."

A tear slipped down her cheek as her eyes lowered to the ground. Angel was gone and the memory of him was embedded in her mind and her heart, but Angelus had already partially succeeded. It was getting harder to separate her memories, to hang onto the memory of Angel as she made many more with Angelus.

"I'm not a patient man, Buff." Her silenced irked him, but he was trying to give her time to decide, to accept things.

Feeling Angel slip further away, Buffy's eyes closed and she felt herself take that leap. It had been years and Angelus had shown more devotion to her than Angel ever had. Angelus wanted her life to be with him and his with her. He wanted her, all of her, and he loved her. Angel was her first love, but Angelus, Angelus was forever.

Lip quivering, she said goodbye to her first love, and then looked into the eyes of the man that now held her heart.

"I'm yours. All yours, forever."

It was the answer Angelus had wanted from Buffy, but not the one he expected. He took a step back and found himself having to take a seat. She had chosen him and had made the decision to give herself to him completely.

Looking up at her, he held out his hand.

Eyes still locked on his, she reached out to take his hand, feeling better about her choice immediately. She didn't have to forget Angel completely. She'd always love him, but she didn't have to always think of him or give him the better part of her heart anymore. No more waiting, no more heartache, just everything she had ever wanted from the one she loved.

Her fingers curled in Angelus's before she beamed at him as he pulled her into his lap causing the sheet to fall onto the floor near their feet from the change of position.

"When you can look at me and see just me, I'll believe you."

Buffy's mouth opened to object, but Angelus placed his index finger against her lips.

"I'll know."

Nodding, Buffy kissed the padding of his finger, before it dropped away from her lips to be replaced with his lips.

The kiss was tender, but without any hesitation. With Angelus here was no fear in taunting her, no guilt about having her, and no reservation about anything. What he felt, what he wanted, and what he needed was gained and given with each kiss, each look, each caress. He loved her whole-heartedly and nothing held him back. With Angel, there was always something preventing him from giving his all. Everything Angelus gave her was what he wanted for her. As Buffy returned the kiss, she finally took a bigger step in giving him back what he had already taken so many steps toward giving her.

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><p><strong>Los Angeles, California - April 2001.<strong>

Jerking awake, Buffy's hand slammed down on the alarm clock so hard that she felt it shatter beneath her hand. It was the third time she had that dream in less than a week. What did it mean? Rubbing the sleep out of her eyes, she pulled herself out of the bed. There was no use in glancing at the alarm clock. She'd have to buy another replacement.

Groaning, she shoved her feet into the fuzzy blue house shoes that rested beside their bed. Looking down at her clothes, she noticed she had fallen asleep in her robe so there was no need to spend an hour searching for it. Shoving her hands into her pockets, she didn't bother with checking to see if she had missed any texts or phone calls. She needed coffee and so the short journey was made to the kitchen.

Sliding onto the stool at the island, she hid her face in her hands to keep from staring at him. There he stood, in their kitchen, shirtless ... making coffee. She didn't realize he had finished until the aroma of coffee filled her nose. Dropping her hands, Buffy mumbled a soft thank you.

"You're welcome. Did you sleep well?" Angel slipped on the stool across from her, his eyes studying her to see if she'd lie to him again.

"I slept."

The kiss to her temple almost made her cringe, but she refrained.

"Any dreams? Nightmares? Anything prophetic?" Angel tried to pry as gently as he possibly could. It felt like she had hated him the entire week and it was usually worse in the morning.

"Jesus, Angel. I slept, okay? Just stop… I'm fine." Pushing the coffee away, she didn't apologize for the spill or bother with cleaning it up. The coffee cup, the mess, and Angel were left in the kitchen as she rushed off to the bathroom. She wished he'd just leave and for good, but then again she wished he would take her with him.

Resting against the bathroom door, she stared at the place where the mirror had been. There were no mirrors in the house anymore. Angel didn't need them and Buffy had used her fists to fist to smash every single one of them because she could not handle looking at herself. She had betrayed him. Eyes closing, tears streamed down her cheeks. She could still see the look on his face. It had been one of horror and betrayal. There was a place in hell for people like her. They both knew it and she knew he'd be waiting on her.

Unable to fight the tears, Buffy slid down the door until she was heap on the floor. She had loved him and she had done the right thing in the eyes of everyone except in the eyes the one man she had loved. And now, now she had Angel back, her first love, the one man she had thought she'd be in love with for the rest of her life, but she was wrong.

The soft rapping on the door brought her out of her thoughts. Her head hit the door with a thud. "I'll be out in a minute, Angel."

But they both knew her minute meant she'd take her time. Since coming back, neither she or Angel were the same.

It could be seen in the way they looked at one another. Nothing would ever be the same again. Angel just wanted to move forward and Buffy, Buffy just wanted to go back.

"I'm sorry." The whisper in the dark echoed off the bathroom walls, but did nothing to heal her heart.

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><p><strong>Sunnydale, California - January 1998.<strong>

Feeling the grip on her forearm, Buffy winced and angrily jerked away from the hold. With the hand gone, the only thing that remained was the bruises already forming on her skin. Angry eyes expected to meet the concerned and confused ones of Angel, but they met the accusing ones of Angelus. "What the fuck?"

Blinking rapidly, Buffy only took her eyes away from Angelus momentarily to take in her surroundings, but it was a moment too long. Even with her Slayer abilities, she wasn't quick enough or aware enough to prevent the backhand to her cheek that sent her to the floor. The stinging of her cheek pained her more than the bruises that had been previously left on her arm. She didn't understand what was happening or how in the hell it was happening.

"Angelus?"

Staring down at her with eyes harder than steel, Angelus sneered at her. "Well I'm sure as hell not you're precious fucking lapdog."

The words made her flinch and found she was willing to take another blow instead of having to listen to him any longer. Eyes tearing because the confusion was so overwhelming, Buffy stayed on the cool marble floor until Angelus walked away. It took only the sound of the door shutting and the lock clicking in place to remember everything.

"Oh my goodness." Her heart constricted in her chest as she scrambled to her feet to take in the room. It was all the same. The first time she had felt sick, terrified, and so angry that she had been too stubborn to enjoy the comfort of her room. It had been her prison and all she had wanted to do was escape. Angelus was a monster and she had been determined on finding a way to get Angel back.

Buffy knew never how it'd all unfold. This time she wouldn't betray him. She wanted nothing but a second chance, and she knew he wouldn't give it to her. This time she'd choose right.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Angel or any of the characters mentioned in either cannon.

**Author's Notes:** The story is set in Sunnydale, California during Season 2 and Season 3, but it's AU. The dream that Buffy had in Chapter One was set in the year 2000. The time with Angel is set in 2001. The journey back to see Angelus happened in 1998. The time isn't marked in the first chapter, but is in the second chapter and will be from now on so it won't be so confusing!**  
><strong>

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><p><strong><span>Chapter Two<span>  
><strong>

**Sunnydale, California - January 1998**

Sitting on the bed, Buffy wondered how long it would be until Angelus arrived in the room again. In the past it had taken him hours to do so because he had wanted her to get used to her new home.

He had caught her in a weakened state and played her like a fool. For a moment she had truly believed Angel was back. It had embarrassed her and angered her to know that Angelus used her love for Angel against her. She had refused to cooperate and did her best to ignore him when he came to her room after bringing her into the mansion. It felt like a betrayal to Angel to submit to a monster like Angelus and so she had held onto her love for Angel.

She would get him back somehow. But what she realized in the end was that maybe what she was after in the beginning wasn't what she needed.

She smoothed a hand over the covers, she thought of the first time Angelus had really kissed her as Angelus. He had been a master of manipulation. She had missed Angel's kiss and Angelus wouldn't kiss her until they both accepted that she wanted it. Buffy had considered him a bastard for it and blamed him for manipulating her into being the one to kiss him. It had slowed down his progress of making her fall for him, but he never seemed bothered by it. Angelus had been determined to make her forget Angel and love him, and she had been just as determined to remember Angel and hate him. Her lack of experience with men and in love was used to his advantage and she had wanted to hate him for it, but found that over time she could not.

The harder she had tried to hold onto Angel's memory, the easier it was to forget him. 'Living' and whoring had perfected Angelus' ability to manipulate the heart, to arouse the body of a woman. She had been no match for his charms or the pleasures in life had introduced her to. Angel had been about keeping her naive and Angelus made sure to give her knowledge. Before long, she had craved that knowledge. He made her feel like a woman even at the age of seventeen. She never felt more alive than when she was with Angelus and that scared her. How could she feel that way for a monster?

When it came time to really make a decision, Buffy was faced with the fact that she was in love with two very different men despite the sharing of the same body. Angel was her first love and he treated her with such kindness and wanted to protect her from all of the bad in the world. Sometimes it made it difficult because in his eyes, he was a part of the bad in the world no matter how she had tried to tell him differently. With Angelus, he was passionate about everything. He wanted her to experience life and learn everything that she could. He wanted to mold her into becoming a woman to be reckoned with. Angel believed in her and Angelus made it happen. Could she be with a man who suffered from guilt of things he could control or a man with no guilt and complete control?

Lost in her thoughts, Buffy didn't realize when Angelus entered the room. His footsteps remained light and her senses were ignored. It wasn't until he spoke that she realized he was standing behind her.

"Now Buff, we both know you can't ignore me forever."

Her eyes closed and she took it all in. He and Angel shared the same voice, but there was a difference in it. Gone was the voice laced with regret and hesitation. There would be no comfort to be offered and she knew that, she preferred that. Unable to take any more of Angel's attempts at comforting her, Buffy smiled to herself. No, Angelus would not comfort her. He'd offer her anything except comfort. The irony was that knowing he wouldn't pacify her or comfort her actually comforted her.

Looking over her shoulder, Buffy sent a coy smile in his direction. "Me … ignore you? … Never."

Crawling across the bed, Buffy found herself set on knocking him off his game. He had taught her a lot in their years together. It felt good to have one up on him. Finally she felt like she could truly hold her own against him. Rising up on her knees, Buffy pushed the shorter tresses out of her face and then looked up at him from her long lashes.

"Why would I do that?"

The moment surprise entered his eyes, she witnessed it, but if she hadn't … she would have missed it. Almost immediately, the surprise was replaced with the narrowing accusation of his eyes.

"What game are you getting at Buff? Agree and I'll let you free?" Reaching out he tucked the tresses that she had pushed out of her face behind her ear.

Leaning into his touch, Buffy felt her skin warm beneath it. It had taken three years for them to give into one another fully and fall in love and it had taken two weeks for her to screw that up and betray them.

"I don't want my freedom." Recognizing the mistrust on his face, Buffy reeled herself back in and took a seat. Sitting back against the pillows, her eyes remained locked on him. She could fix it. All she needed was time.

"We'll see."

"Uh huh," Buffy winked, "We will." Turning her back to him, she rested against the pillows once more and closed her eyes. "Can you close the door?"

The click of the door closing by a dumbfounded Angelus left her smiling even after she fell asleep.

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><p><strong>Los Angeles, California - April 2001.<strong>

It was the sound of her name that wiped the smile away.

"Buffy?"

Gripping the covers, Buffy took deep breaths. "Please don't let me be back in 2001. Please, please, please."

No matter how much she pleaded, Angel's presence said it all. The only question she wanted answered was what it would take for her to go back.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Notes: **I did not have anyone beta this update because I could not wait anymore. I looked over it and it seems okay. I love it so much so I hope you do too! Special thanks to _**butimbroken**_, she gave me the raw material to work with when it came to writing out the mature scene because I got stuck. With her help _**[ [ and ba2006's ]]**_ shove, I was able to provide you all of a 'love' scene worthy of B/Aus. Hope you enjoy the update. (:

Thought process: _**Angelus**_ = bold and italic._ Angel_ = italic.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Angel or any of the characters mentioned in either cannon.

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><p><span><strong>Chapter Three<strong>

**Sunnydale, California – April 1998**

Laughing, Buffy twirled round and round in the sheer white dress. The baby-doll curls combined with the white coloring of the sundress gave an illusion that she was innocent. No, Angelus had broken her of that the first time she had been imprisoned by him. There was no more innocence, just the illusion. Her laugh, her smile, her look … it had been all rehearsed the first time around, but now it rang true. It was the eyes that had given Angelus away and the eyes that betrayed her too.

The garden smelled like jasmine. Its sweet scent beckoned her closer. Leaning down Buffy inhaled the sweetness before feeling the familiar tingles down her spine. Desire spread throughout her tummy. Fighting the urge to spin around to face him, Buffy allowed Angelus the time to study her. Three months of complete compliance from Buffy had left him baffled and her amused. It was her game now.

The dreams came more frequently after she accepted the challenge to change history. Time flew by in the past and dragged on in the future. Keeping herself cold and distant from Angel and warm and inviting to Angelus, Buffy said nothing of her dreams. She just found herself leaving the bedroom less and less.

Pushing the memory of Angel behind, Buffy ignored the cold truth that she would return to him and moved to the roses. Crimson red petals beckoned her. Her fingers ran over the silk of the petals and then down the stem. Gasping as the thorns pricked open her skin, she clenched her thighs together when Angelus moved out of the shadows as the sun finally set in the sky. Cool, pale fingers gripped her wrist and brought her hand to his lips.

Hazel eyes rose to meet dark chocolate ones that deepened to a golden honey. Her sharp intake of breath greeted his ears as he lowered his mouth to the cut. His lips closed around the wound, sealing the cut immediately. Pulling her trembling fingers free of his grasp, Buffy watched as his eyes deepened in color, laced with his desire. The power from her blood and the sweet taste of it lingered on his taste-buds. Angelus knew then he'd had to sacrifice his plans for a short while to have her.

Curiosity got the best of him and he had to ask her. "Why were you laughing?"

Spinning away from him, Buffy knew she had him from the heat in his eyes alone, but his curiosity sealed it. It was hard not to jump him on the spot. He had been her lover for three long years, some of it good and some of it bad. Now that she had him back again, she knew she'd ignore her calling for him. She had to take her time and do it right.

Giggling, Buffy brought her hands to her mouth to silence them. She could see him fight the annoyance at her ignoring his question and being out of the loop along with the curiosity.

"Willow plans on cursing you, you know. And Spike … well Spike isn't really on our side anymore."

Angelus closed the distance between them immediately. "Our side?"

"Yes silly, our side."

Grabbing her by both of her wrists, Angelus pulled her body against his, nearly lifting her off the ground in the process.

"Don't fuck with my mind, Buff. It won't save you."

Noting his anger that brought forth his vampire ridges and yellow eyes, Buffy ignored her body's reaction to her mate's growling.

"I'm not." How many times had he taken his wrath out on her in the past? In the past she had been terrified of him, but now back in the past she kept true to rewriting history. Neither of them had the time to make any mistakes, to waste any time. "Spike isn't bound by his wheel chair and Willow will find a way to curse you with your soul."

Angelus growled louder, bringing his forehead to rest against hers. "You said it like you knew it for a fact, but your precious Soul Boy isn't ever coming back Buff."

Shoving her to the ground, Buffy cried out when she came in contact with the stone pathway. Wiping off the pebbles embedded in her shin, Buffy hissed from the gash on her leg. The blood seeped onto her white dress and ruined stained the material forever.

He didn't trust her…just like she hadn't trusted him. She knew that. They had to gain each other's trust and it had taken so long to do so. Upon gaining it, Buffy had given into doing the right thing, her calling, and allowed her friends to curse him. She had even helped them.

Looking up at Angelus with fire in her eyes, Buffy restrained her anger. "I do."

Feeling the familiar disturbance in her world, Buffy cried out, her hand extending to Angelus, but she knew he couldn't save her. No… she had to save them both.

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><p><strong>London, England – May 2000.<strong>

Closing the door shut, Buffy expected to find Angelus still asleep, but instead heard the shower running. They had traveled to England once her former friends had burned their home to the ground. It seemed they didn't care anymore about saving her. She was a lost cause and they'd do anything to rid the world of the Scourge of Europe and his wrath. Angelus planned on seeking his revenge for nearly destroying him and his mate in the process. No one could kill Buffy but him and truth be told, he had no desire to anymore.

The idea was to hide from them in their own backyard. Her former friends would never think to look there. And they hadn't. Stumbling on Buffy had been completely accidental.

Resting against the door, Buffy closed her eyes, tears slipping down her cheeks. She owed it to Angel to allow him to make amends. She had a destiny. Falling in love with Angelus meant nothing. She had to sacrifice him to save herself, to save billions of people, and most of all … to allow Angel his chance to fight for the good.

Taking a deep breath, tear filled eyes opened to find Angelus exiting the bathroom. He smiled at her with so much love, she felt her heart ache. He looked like Angel in that moment.

Before he could speak, Buffy found her voice. "It's raining out. Not a ray of sunshine in the sky."

Already dressed in jeans, both his feet and chest were left bare. His brow lifted and a chuckle escaped him. "The boat ride was too much for you?"

Pushing herself off the door, she nodded and closed the short distance between them. She needed him, but she could only put her needs before the world's a little while longer.

Lips pressing against his, she kissed him deeply, seeking out every bit of comfort his kiss could offer her. "I love you."

"I love you."

Smiling up at him, Buffy spoke softly. "Can we go for a walk?"

"In the rain?" His brows rose in amusement, but he was already nodding. He could no longer deny her simple wants and desires. Her happiness was his too.

"Yes, are you afraid you'll melt?" Her eyes glittered with amusement and almost … just almost did she forget the reason behind their little journey.

"No. But I'm afraid with you being as sweet as sugar, you will."

Angelus knew as soon as he said it, he'd probably regret it. Her laughter had him torn on whether to regret it or not. On one hand it made her happy and on the other … well he was the Scourge of Europe for Christ's sake.

"Oh wow. Someone has been in this hotel room for too long." Buffy giggled and slid her hand into his. "Let's go."

Leading him out of the hotel, she led him into his rain and ultimately to his demise.

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><p>Unusually quiet, Buffy walked hand in hand, side by side, with Angelus. The streets of England were nearly empty. The wind was strong and the rain growing heavier with each passing minute. No one in their right mind was out, but that said a lot about the couple that journeyed down the street not bothered by the dreary weather. Love had driven them both insane.<p>

The idea was to get him closer to the spell, to those performing the spell, without actually putting any of them in harm's way or alerting Angelus of the plan. The problem was that the closer they got, the slower Buffy found herself walking. Soon, Buffy came to a complete stop. She couldn't get herself to move any closer. It seemed so wrong somehow.

Tears streamed down her cheeks, masked by the rain that fell from the sky upon them. It did not mask them from her mate. Immediately, he knew. He always knew.

Angelus tugged at Buffy's hand and when she finally turned to look at him, she fought not to sob at the concern and warmth in his eyes.

"Buff, what's wrong?" Angelus could feel it. Something was going down. And up until now, Buffy had been completely honest with him about everything.

Shaking her head no, she struggled to find her voice. "Just kiss me."

The urge to kill whatever had upset her so badly rose inside of him, but he ignored it for her. He'd find out and take care of it later. Right now, he'd ease her pain.

Lips descending down on hers, Angelus swallowed her sobs as the rain poured down on them on the empty sidewalk.

"Make love to me." Buffy pleaded with him.

Angelus looked in the direction of the way they had just come. If they ran, they could probably make it in record time.

"No," Buffy shook her head, "I need you now." They couldn't go back. They couldn't change a damn thing. It had already begun.

Angelus looked back down at Buffy as she pulled him into the alley between the buildings. Sure they had fooled around before, but making love in an alley just didn't seem possible. And yet he found his fingers pulling at her jeans so he could push them down her slender hips and thighs.

"Shhh, love. It'll be alright." Angelus lifted nudged Buffy backward against the building. His body covered hers, shielding her away from the world that demanded so much of her.

He paused in removing her top and instead focused more on taking away the pain. Even then she was beautiful to him… so alive, so very heart-broken. Ripping the panties off of her, Angelus felt his dick harden at the sight of her.

Buffy looked so vulnerable, the pain radiating off of her in waves as the rain poured down on her, drenching her and causing her shirt to stick to her skin. Torn between loving the picture she made and hating what had hurt her, Angelus reacted naturally to it all. He'd make her cum and provide her with a distraction from the pain and the make whoever hurt her pay.

Unfastening his pants, Angelus freed himself from the confinement of his jeans as he stared down at his slayer. She was a beauty to be reckoned with.

"Please. Make it go away. Please." The guilt was eating her alive. It'd be their last time together. She needed him to show one part of his demon that reminded her of her calling, something that showed he'd never fully betray his true nature.

To make the spell work, it'd need her blood. It'd need him losing all control so they demon in him could sin so beautifully ... and it would need Angelus experiencing perfect happiness and letting his guard down just enough for the soul to take his place.

His reaction to her pain was enough. Even through his love, the site of her in so much pain excited him. The evidence pressed against her tummy proved it. He enjoyed her pain, but he loved every part of her beyond even his own control.

Vamping out, Angelus couldn't ignore it any longer. Her begging called to him and before he knew what he was doing, Angelus grabbed a fist full of her hair and yanked her head back. Ignoring the reminder of her being his mate, her powerful blood sang to him. The blood of a slayer… the blood of the most powerful Slayer in history awaited him for the taking. Lying beneath him, the temptation was too grand.

"Angelus... no." Buffy cried out in denial as she pushed against his chest to stop him, to stop the spell. She couldn't do it. She couldn't trick him. But it was too late, she already had.

* * *

><p>Angelus licked at the salt of her tears, savoring their taste, before he jerked her legs around his hips and thrust into her fully without any warning.<p>

Angelus' eyes closed and he growled at the feel of his lover writhing against him. This human girl, the slayer at that, being his perfect match was something he would have never dreamed of … but he could not deny it. There was no reason to. The way he fit inside of her, the way she made him feel... it was undeniable. She belonged to him.

He'd had so many lovers as a human, twice as many during his reign, but nothing compared to this. None of them were her, his Buffy.

Angelus was so lost in his own thoughts, he didn't register Buffy's hiss at his thrusting. He'd taken her, just like that. Almost brutally, just like he had so many times in the past. Not that she was entirely surprised; it wouldn't have been the first time he'd done such, but it had to be the last.

And it wasn't as though she wasn't ready for him; he had a way of always having her body eager for him to join. Her body recognized its mate and was traitorous to her mind. But the shot of pain had come, and not only from him entering her roughly, but her mind coming back to the thought that this was it for them. There could be no more sating one another's needs, no matter how dark or desperate those needs could have been.

Buffy hissed again. She heard Angelus growl out something, the vibration of it against her skin… one more distraction. His voice had deepened with the growl … and with Buffy so lost in anywhere but the moment between them, she didn't make out what it was. Her arms wrapped tighter around the vampire, holding him to her, fearing the end. In her mind she wanted to escape, but her body needed their goodbye. It needed him. Her nails dug little crescent moons into the pale skin of his arms as he thrust in and out of her, making her shake with every move he'd make.

Buffy cried out desperate for completion only he could provide her. Despite the pleasure he was bringing to her body, her heart and her mind knew better as tears fell once more. Her head buried in his neck, against his shoulder. How could this be the end? How could she have been so stupid?

The heaviness of the rain did not let up, easily allowing them to slip further and further away from the world and to slip literally back into reality. Buffy felt her body fall backward, her head banging against the wall behind her. She winced, but then moaned at the sensation as Angelus had switched his angle slightly. "Fuck!" she moaned out, her body rocking against him.

Angelus looked up, his golden eyes meeting her emerald ones. Everything changed for them and yet, it remained the same.

The world slowed down for her, despite everything happening around them. He looked at her and she felt more love for him in that moment than she ever had. It was as if moving in slow-motion, a trail of fresh tears spilled from her eyes, her hands came up to cradle the sides of his face. He didn't understand; he never would. He couldn't, not then, maybe not ever. He fed off the pain he found; she saw it in his eyes. Her head shook ever-so slightly and her fingers danced against his cheeks. She could already feel it happening and he had no idea.

"I love you," she whispered, her voice hoarse.

The demon growled again, thrusting into her with such force that Buffy thought they'd go through the wall. Maybe if they did, they could run. No … there was no running. She knew her backside was scratched up; bleeding, but she welcomed the pain. She deserved it.

* * *

><p>Angelus kissed her roughly before throwing her to the ground. Buffy landed, more scrapes adorning her limbs. Her hands had sunk in a small pool of water, her back to him. Maybe he knew. And then there he was … Angelus was there, behind her, yanking her to him.<p>

Buffy spread her legs a little more, giving him better access to her. They needed this on every level just as she needed him and he needed her. His hands grasped her hips firmly, and he thrust his hips forward feeling her completely with his dick. He continued to slide in and out of her slick heat, the pace he set hard, deep, and fast. He took her with a wild abandonment. It felt familiar, but yet so foreign.

Buffy's head fell forward, her locks hiding her face. Her breathing was uneven, her body in the familiar response to that of her it's mate. This way she could forget for a minute, she didn't have to look at him, she could pretend. Just for a minute.

Buffy lost herself in him, her body jerking back against him in response just as hard as he moved forward. She moaned out his name … Angelus … and her body shook from her own loss of control. Buffy felt one of his hands slide over her hip and then in between her thighs, talented fingers rubbing her clit vigorously. He would not allow her a moment more of denying him the satisfaction of her cries. His had twisted the nub until she exploded with sheer pleasure.

He continued until her body violently shook with pleasure until Buffy thought she'd pass out. Allowing herself to enjoy the bliss, she welcomed the escape before reality had to sink back in.

With a shaky breath, and unsteady limbs, Buffy reared back against him. Her back came in contact with his chest as he thrust desperately in and out of her, his hand rubbing her clit to trigger another release.

"Let me see you. I need to see you." Those cries convinced him to change positions again. He wanted all of her. Her back met with the wet and dirty ground as he blanketed her body with his own. She missed the feeling of him inside of her, and from the look in his eyes … he did too. The need for her in his eyes was her undoing all over again. The tears fell more freely now.

But it had to be done. It just had to.

Buffy swallowed, watching him re-enter her. He was slow, surprising her, but only for a moment. Then desire overtook him. He lost his control. Half of her body was lifted off the ground and into his lap.

Buffy knew she didn't have long. There wasn't enough time.

"Angelus," she breathed out, her eyes heavy. "Take me," she whispered. His eyes met hers once more. "All of me," she continued, knowing he would understand what it meant. He had claimed her long ago and in that moment she knew he'd do it all over again.

Her head tilted to the side exposing his mark. Her shirt stuck to her like a second skin as the rain droplets continued to fall, effortlessly journeying down her throat. She sucked in a breath, pushing her neck more into his view. The look he sent her sent shivers down her spine both chilled and warmed the very core of her. He could already see the drops of blood mixing with the rain drops as they slid down her slender neck.

With a roar, Buffy's body was yanked up against his. Her legs wrapped tighter around his waist, her arms around his neck, hands going to his hair and pulling. Angelus never broke stride as he moved her up to him, holding her weight in his arms.

She felt his need grow, his motions becoming erratic, almost truly painful.

In that moment, he had every intention of turning her, of keeping her with him forever. He didn't think of how it'd change her, kill the Buffy he loved. He just needed her to be with him, always.

Buffy's eyes closed just before his fangs pierced into her flesh, tears escaped from her emerald orbs. She cried for the demon in the man and for the love they'd never get to experience because of that lack of control. Her body stilled as much as it could. She wanted to push him away, to scream at him for ruining everything, but he could not control his demon no more than she could the slayer in her. No, she was to blame. She should have been stronger.

Feeling her resistance, Angelus pressed deeper into her neck, ripping open the two tiny holes his fangs had made. The growling of her lover, the sound of him taking her blood, and the uncontrolled noises of pleasure he made reached her ears and she knew it was time.

Buffy prayed silently for forgiveness and slowly said the words she needed to. She cried out the curse that would take her lover away and bring back his soul.

She knew he heard them, how couldn't he? The sound had echoed throughout the alley and even more so against the walls of her heart. He just wasn't paying attention. That was the point, right, make him lose all control and then curse them both forever.

Buffy felt her heart break. He'd never forgive her, just as she would never forgive herself.

He came violently, his devouring of her delicate flesh and the powerful liquid flowing out became torturous. But she didn't stop him, didn't even try to. Some part of her hoped he'd drain her before Angel returned. A sick part of her found the irony of him possibly turning her.

She knew she wouldn't be so lucky though.

Buffy just let drain her, waiting for the end to come, but it never did.

The pain in her body was nothing to the death knocking on her heart.

* * *

><p>And suddenly it was if the Powers of Be wanted to torture her just a little more. She could feel the nuzzling of her mate against her throat after they had both reached completion. He was coming down from the high that both her love and body had given him. Sealing the wound, Angelus pressed a kiss to it before he slipped out of her.<p>

Angelus helped Buffy from the ground, extending his hand once more to her after she adjusted her clothing and he had done the same. Her clothing kept sticking to her in the rain, but after a few minutes of struggling she had managed to fix the drenched material. Finally she looked at the hand extended to her before allowing Angelus to take her hand in his and pull her body back against his. Smiling down at his mate, Angelus felt so content, so happy.

"I don't know what come over me." Angelus raked his fingers through his wet hair desperate to explain. "Forgive me … I…I'm sorry…" Angelus did not know how to explain himself for taking her the way he had or if he should so he just lowered his lips to kiss her in an apologetic manner.

Before their lips could touch, Buffy whispered. "So am I."

Angelus did not know how to apologize, didn't have any practice before Buffy, but he was willing to try if he she couldn't accept the one he had given. Her words registered and he opened his mouth to tell her she had nothing to be sorry for, but suddenly everything became so clear to him.

A sharp pain hit him in the very core of him and spread throughout his body causing him to sink to his knees, but it was nothing compared to the betrayal of his mate. It felt as if his body was being ripped apart and yet, his heart ached more.

"… Why?" The memory of her calling out the foreign spell hit him and he knew as he felt the soul being forced back into his body. Both heartache and betrayal entered his eyes and Angelus had to force himself to look away from his mate as his body was invaded, forcing his departure from his mate. She had betrayed him and he had betrayed everything being a demon had meant and had loved her.

Hands covering her mouth, Buffy sobbed behind them "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry!"

Sinking to the ground, Buffy's body shook violently from her sobs. After a moment of him being completely quiet and still, he spoke.

"Buffy?" Soulful, chocolate brown eyes locked on her as Angel moved to join her. "Buffy." He shook her with urgency. The last thing he could remember was falling asleep with her in his arms after they had made love.

* * *

><p><strong>Los Angeles, California – Late April 2001.<strong>

"Buffy." Angel shook Buffy's sleeping form.

She needed to eat. Angel knew she had fallen into a depression that was much deeper than it had been in some time. He had thought maybe they had a break through, but for the last couple of weeks she had been sleeping a lot more. It was a definite set-back. It seemed as though it was the only time she could find peace and so Angel couldn't disturb her. It wasn't healthy to allow it, but Angel wanted her happy. He couldn't do that for her anymore.

And so he allowed it. He allowed her to call out for Angelus in her dreams. He watched her as she writhed and moaned and smiled for him, all for Angelus, and he knew he lost her a little more each day. But this time, he had sensed her pain. This time there was no happiness. When she had cried out for Angelus and apologized, Angelus knew exactly what memory haunted her.

His return.

* * *

><p><strong>Los Angeles, California – Later that evening April 2001.<strong>

Buffy sat on the balcony with her legs curled beneath her. Watching the sunset alone, Buffy questioned why her dreams often led her to two different places. It was if someone was toying with her. It showed her what the past was and how it could not be changed, but then allowed her to do just that. Some things she could change and some things she was forced to remember.

Angel had slowly remembered everything. It came to him in bits and pieces. He blamed himself for all of the harm Angelus was responsible for, but most of all … he blamed himself for what had transpired between Buffy and Angelus. It made Buffy wonder if he blamed her. Did he blame her for falling for Angelus and allowing Angelus to do those things to her? Did he blame her for not being strong enough to tell Angelus no or for the fact that she could not quite recover from betraying Angelus? There were so many questions and Buffy preferred to leave them unanswered.

For someone so strong, Buffy had found her weakness. Angel had always been both her strength and her weakness, but Angelus had overtaken that. With him she had discovered real weakness and even greater strength. She had become a young woman and had learned who she truly was. He had given her so much and she had taken it all away.

Completely shattered by her own betrayal, Buffy sank into a darker place than she ever had under the reign of Angelus.

Her friends distanced themselves from her once again and had left Angel completely responsible for her. It was his demon that had destroyed her after all. But what none of them knew was that they had. To kill her … you had to love her. And it was a love she could not survive.

Angel had felt responsible for it all and he was the only one that had stayed. While her friends spread out to different parts of the world, Angel had moved them back to the states, back to California. He tried to reach her mother, her father, anyone that could bring his Buffy back. Buffy was a bigger problem than anyone could seem to handle, wanted to handle. They gave half-assed attempts at reaching her, but no one really cared. They had their own lives to live, their own responsibilities, and they had grown used to saying good-bye to Buffy. They had already done so long before her return.

Once the sun set, Angel stepped outside and took a seat beside her. His hand slid into hers and he knew he had to tell her goodbye.

The girl he had loved had become a woman he never knew, would never get a chance to know. Her heart was already taken. His Buffy would always live so fiercely within his heart, within his memories, but the heart beating in the chest of the woman beside him and the memories he had of her belonged to another.

Angel shed a tear for the girl he had loved, for the girl he had lost, but he smiled at the woman she had become.

They had loved one another. He knew that. They had consummated their love so deeply on that rainy night. But they'd never have that again. Their time had passed.

_She needs you._

Angel spoke to his demon, knowing he'd have some kind of reply. He had avoided speaking to him for so long. When he had first returned, he had been so disgusted with himself and the demon, they had only argued. And after that, Angelus fell silent. His anger at the woman they both loved had faded and he too did not know how to save her from herself. Together they had watched her love for them both kill her. To love this girl you have to love her. The two of them had done just that.

_**I know.**_

Angel slid his arm around Buffy and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. It was the closest she had let him get to her in weeks and he was certain it was because she needed the familiar feel of his body against her own.

"What if there was a way to get him back? Would you do it?"

Angel knew he could not find perfect happiness with Buffy anymore. The woman beside him belonged to Angelus. It was his mate in every sense of the word. But he knew what it took to give Angelus control.

He needed to give Buffy the happiness she had once given him. The world had moved on around them and it would survive another day without them. A new slayer had been called in her absence and Angel needed to lay his Buffy at rest just like the others had.

_I never knew how to save her until now._

The glint of hope in her hazel eyes told Angel everything he needed to know.

_**You just didn't want to … but you knew. You've always known.**_

And he had. Buffy had shown her love for his demon that day at the skating rink. He just never knew his time with her would be so short. He had believed they were meant to be.

_**You were.**_

Angelus could not deny it. Buffy and Angel were meant to be together, but the length of time had been overly exaggerated. She was meant to be with Angel for a moment in time, but meant to be with him forever.

Angel and Buffy were soul mates. She had given Liam … Angel a reason to fight, to live. She had given him her heart, her love, her innocence. For a moment, he had been given all he had been denied in his human life. She was his perfect happiness.

Angel's soul mate, but the true mate of Angelus … Buffy had no idea loving Angel would lead to her destiny. She was destined to love them both, to sate the needs of both the demon and the man. It was in the arms of both the demon and the angel, that she discovered where love could truly take her.

_**Love her enough to let the memory die and her live.**_

Angel chuckled at his demon. It was poetic really. A demon wanted... no … he needed for his slayer to live.

_I am._

Closing his eyes, Angel let out a breath he didn't need.

"Mo Anam Cara."

Noticing she hadn't said a word, Buffy felt overwhelmed. She loved Angel. She really did.

Hell, she had loved him enough to bring him back when everything in her had said not to. Had he made amends? Was he so overwhelmed with guilt that he didn't want to try anymore?

Tears slid down her cheeks, "I'm sorry."

Angel nodded. Those two words said everything and he found himself already knowing her answer.

"No, you're not."

_**You tell me not to hurt her … and the first thing you say … Soul Boy. Get it together. **_

_Shut up._

Ignoring his demon, Angel continued. He had to.

Buffy jerked away and started to rise to her feet, but Angel stopped her.

"Don't."

He didn't want her to be sorry.

"Don't be sorry."

Her brows knitted together in confusion. "Angel, I…" Buffy looked down at her lap and laced her fingers together. She knew she should be sorry for loving Angelus. She knew she was supposed to love Angel. And she did. She loved Angel, but she was still in love with Angelus. As a slayer, she should have felt shame, should have felt sorry, but she didn't.

"Would you do it?"

Lifting her eyes to meet his, she swallowed the lump in her throat.

"No." The whisper was tortured and Angel felt surprised.

_**WHAT?!**_

From the howled question of his demon, Angel knew he did too.

Secretly, she had tried to change everything. She didn't want Angel to suffer from knowing she fell out of love with him and in love with his demon. She didn't want Angelus to know that she betrayed him and their love for the chance to have Angel back so he could make amends. It was best to prevent all of that pain. But most of all, she didn't want to have to make a choice that would make Angel hate her. She wanted his last memory to be one of their love, of their time together … not of her making the choice to love another.

"He hates me and I can't … you'll hate me too... if you don't already." Tears leaked out of the corners of her eyes.

_**No I don't!**_

_She can't hear you._

_**That would be your fault, Soul Boy. Tell her, …tell her… JUST MAKE HER FEEL BETTER. Tell her something. Fix her.**_

_I AM TRYING. I'm trying okay. Just shut up already._

Whimpering, Buffy took his silence as a way of agreeing with her and she moved to get away once more.

"No. Stay. I ..." Angel grabbed her and got her to sit once more. "Fuck." He didn't know how to do it. He didn't know how to give her up. Yanking his fingers through his dark hair in frustration, Angel grumbled.

He had been so ready to give up, to give her up. But faced with the moment of doing so, he had been weak. She had always been stronger than him.

"Buffy, I..." Angel sat back against the cushion with a groan.

_**Stop being a pussy, Soul Boy. Give me my mate. She prefers me anyway.**_

_Fuck you._

The truth of the words cut Angel deep.

"I know I'm not him exactly, Buffy. But …" He had no idea where he was going with it.

Looking into Angel's eyes, she swore she could see both men she loved. "But what?"

"Do you think you could ever love me again?" The whisper shocked both Angel and his demon, but the pain in his voice shocked Buffy most of all.

Could she? Could she fall in love with him again?

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note:<strong> Read & review please. Let me know what you think should happen or could happen!


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